


Something to Hold on

by Maels (queen_ypolita)



Category: Coronation Street
Genre: 5000-10000 Words, Fix-It, M/M, what if
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-03-03
Updated: 2005-03-03
Packaged: 2017-10-04 13:46:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queen_ypolita/pseuds/Maels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Todd had gone to Karl after coming out to Sarah?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something to Hold on

**Author's Note:**

> This story started out as a "what if" story, asking how things would have turned out if Todd would have gone to Karl after coming out to Sarah; in other words, it tells about the immediate aftermath of Todd's coming out from Karl's point of view, after the row they have in the morning. The focus on Karl resulted on me thinking about the concept of this story while writing _Letting Go_. At the end of January [2005], I felt I was getting nowhere with the story and posted it to get it off my hands, not sure at the time if I ever figured out a satisfactory way to continue it. Fairly soon after posting I was inching the story forward, intending to make it the one happy T &amp; K story I had always intended this one to be. As the story shows, I don't think I really "do" fully happy stories.
> 
> Andrea and Fran gave feedback on the initial unfinished version.
> 
> The title and the quoted stanzas come from a song by Branded Women, "Something to Hold on".

_you could take this away  
by showing me there'll be another way  
just hold me, come near me and say  
there's something to hold on_

Karl closed the bathroom door and slopped down on the sofa, half-heartedly towelling his hair dry. Now that he was back in his room his thoughts were turning back to what had happened that morning. The fight with Todd. After Todd had gone he had been so angry at everything that he had paced up and down the room, unable to sit still. Todd had no right to expect him to go along any little arrangements to keep Todd happily married. To be Todd's bit on the side – there was no way he could have made himself do it. Todd had chosen Sarah a week earlier, if he couldn't live with that decision it wasn't Karl's responsibility. Finally the anger had burnt out and he had sat down on the sofa and picked up the latest issue of _Nursing Standard_ to have something else than Todd to think about. After a few pages he realised he wasn't taking a word in, so he had tossed it aside. He had contemplated giving one of his mates a ring, to ask if they fancied doing anything later, to pick up takeaway and a video but decided against it – he really wasn't on the mood for company and besides, he had seen so little of them lately they were bound to ask why and he would have had to figure out a way to answer without Todd intruding upon his thoughts.

Desperate still to have something else to think about, he's got at the last resort and decided to give his mum a ring – talking about the weather and listening her complaining how she sometimes got tired with having to spend so much time with Karl's nan, and how difficult Laura, his sister, was these days wouldn't have anything to do with Todd. And he was right, she chattered on happily about the subjects she usually talked about – weather, Karl's dad's moods, Karl's nan going on and on about celebrity gossip and whatever had happened when she had been young, Laura and how difficult she had got lately. Karl let her talk flow over himself, making appropriate noises at appropriate places, knowing she preferred keeping most of her complaints in the family rather than dumping them on her friends who had bigger worries than hers, cancers, divorces, truant kids, Alzheimer parents. But he must have come across more absent-minded than usually as she paused and asked if he was all right. And paused again and wondered if he wanted to talk about something. Karl assured her he was fine, that he didn't have any worries or boy troubles and rang off as soon as he could.

He had put the phone down and looked around to think of something else to do. Before he had come up with anything, a mate had rung with the latest gossip which had kept him occupied for the best part of an hour. Once they had finished, he had decided to go for a run, feeling increasingly cooped-up in the room. He wished he was working today, it was usually the best way to take his mind off other things. But running helped, he got into his own rhythm, pushing all unwanted thoughts out of his mind.

When he got home, he headed for the shower. It was there that Todd started inching his way back into his thoughts. It was so unfair, was there anything he could do to free himself of that messed up lad? Sitting on the sofa in his towel, rubbing his hair dry he once again contemplated getting a video.

Then his mobile bleeped for a new message. He picked up the phone and looked at the message. It was from Todd. For a moment he toyed with the idea of deleting it without reading but couldn't. _Told her,_ the message said. Nothing more, but he didn't need it anyway. Told her could only mean that Todd had told Sarah. He was surprised, when Todd had come by in the morning telling Sarah hadn't seemed an option to him. Karl wondered what had changed, what had happened. And most importantly, how Sarah had reacted. There was no telling from the message.

And what did Todd think he was achieving by telling him about telling Sarah? That it was the quickest way to have him back? Or did he see Karl as a mate who'd want to know? Or was sending the message just something he did to get his mind off Sarah's reaction? Karl sighed; his head was buzzing with questions. He decided to try to get more details. He thought about his reply for a while, then tapped the keys quickly for noncommittal _You did? What did she say?_

Waiting for Todd to answer, he got dressed. If Todd had told Sarah in the hope of standing a chance with him, he wanted to be ready to go and be with him now. If not, then he could go for a drink or to the pictures or something. Anything but sitting here, moping. Not that he ever moped. But today the little room he hardly noticed normally had felt like a cage.

_She took Beth and left_ was Todd's reply a couple of minutes later. Staring at the message Karl knew he had expected the result, although he wasn't sure if Todd had. The way Todd had talked and acted in the morning had suggested that he was exhausted and had got everything so entangled in his mind that you couldn't be sure what way his brain was working. Karl sent a new message: _How are you feeling now?_

He didn't have to wait long for a reply. _Numb_ was the only word in the message. Karl thought about his reply for a while. He still wasn't sure what had prompted Todd to text him in the first place, even less sure what Todd wanted from him now. So what he eventually sent was simple _Do you wanna talk?_

_Not sure,_ Todd replied, without hardly any delay. Karl didn't have any idea what he should do now. Part of him wanted to go to Todd and tell him everything was going to be all right. Another part of him was full of curiosity. What, exactly, had happened? But it was up to Todd to decide what he wanted. Finally Karl gave up and replied, _Do you wanna go for a drink or summat? We don't have to have talk about it. Unless you want to._

While he waited for Todd's reply he found he couldn't sit still. He got up and again paced up and down the room. It suddenly felt too silent, so he switched the radio on. The music had soothing effect on him; he didn't recognise the song but thought he might have heard it a few times before, there was something very warm and calming about it song, in the woman's voice… Just when the song ended, his mobile bleeped again.

_Don't wanna leave the house (at mums). But thanks. Wanna come by? In case I do wanna talk._ Karl didn't have to think twice. He grabbed his jacket and replied to Todd's message while running down the stairs. _Todd_ had asked him to come. Karl guessed that it didn't mean that Todd had really chosen him instead of Sarah, Sarah had dumped Todd, not the other way round. Although he had made a point of not wanting to be Todd's second best, he was willing to be a friend if Todd wanted that now.

* * *

In the street he suddenly felt self-conscious. It wasn't just Todd's street, it was next door to Sarah's mum and Martin and all the curious neighbours. Neighbours on streets like this were always curious, weren't they? By definition almost. But nobody seemed to be in sight when he made his way towards No 11 and knocked. As he did so, he thought he glimpsed Todd fleetingly in the front room window, then the door opened and Todd was there. Neither of them moved for a moment, neither of them spoke. Then Todd stepped to the side and let Karl in, and closed the door. In the cramped hall, Karl saw that Todd was relieved that he was there. He pulled Todd into his arms and held him tightly.

'How are you feeling?' he muttered in Todd's ear.

'Still numb, I think,' Todd said.

Over Todd's shoulder Karl saw Todd's mum coming down the stairs. He immediately let go of Todd who still clung to him.

'What are _you_ doing here?'

When he heard his mother's voice, Todd reluctantly let go and turned.

'Todd asked me to…' Karl began...

He was interrupted by loud banging at the door, accompanied by a woman shouting 'I know you're in there.'

'Who's that?' Eileen asked.

'I think it's Gail, she saw me in the window a minute ago…' Todd mumbled, clearly looking very panicky. 'Don't answer it…'

The banging continued. 'Come out or I'll tell the whole street what you are! I'm not having this anymore! I know you're in there.'

Eileen stared at the door, looking pensive. The banging still hadn't stopped. '…'cos you're not man enough to face me…' was perfectly audible through the door. It was only now sinking in for Karl just what Todd had to deal with. By the look of things he had got off easily…

Eileen sighed. 'Why don't you two go for a walk or something while I'll talk to her,' she said. Todd nodded but didn't move, as if he had been petrified on the spot. Karl nudged him to get him move.

'Come on now,' Karl said gently, sensing that Eileen was getting impatient. 'You've had enough for one day without dealing with Sarah's mum too.'

Todd nodded again and followed Karl meekly.

The banging on the door and the woman's shouting sounded fainter and fainter when they walked along the ginnel towards Rosamund Street. Karl glanced at Todd anxiously; he looked so pale. They didn't say anything until they were on Victoria Street.

'Shall we go to the park?' Karl asked finally, wanting to break the silence before it became oppressive.

'Yeah, why not,' Todd answered, sounding listless and very tired.

The park was bustling with Sunday afternoon activities – children running around, laughing and shouting, parents chatting to one another, elderly people sat on benches, looking wistful and disapproving at the same time.

They sat down on the first unoccupied bench they passed.

'So, how are you feeling?' Karl asked after a few minutes.

'Still numb. But it's beginning to sink in.'

'What is?'

'That I'm gay. That it's not something I will turn into if I'm not careful but something that I _am_. I hadn't really… admitted it before… not even to myself.'

'How does it feel?'

'I think I'm mostly relieved. I'm not sure.'

'How did Sarah take it? Apart from walking out?'

'She was shocked and I panicked and handled it all wrong.'

'But you're mostly glad you told her?'

'Yeah. Glad and relieved.'

But he didn't particularly sound glad or relieved, just numb. Karl studied him closely, wondering if he would feel differently tomorrow. Todd had been carrying such a heavy burden lately, getting rid of it must feel liberating at the moment but maybe the reality would sink in later and he would go back to wanting to be with Sarah. But, Karl told himself sternly, you couldn't know that. And maybe it was inevitable. He just wanted to make Todd concentrate on the feeling of relief now, there would be plenty of time to take the flack from Sarah and Sarah's family.

He put his arm around Todd's shoulders. Todd didn't flinch, didn't show he had noticed the arm there.

'Look, you know you can always come to me if you want to talk.'

'I know.' Todd smiled unexpectedly, one of his rare smiles that tended to make Karl weak in the knees, and snuggled closer to Karl. 'Remember you once said I was almost there, the rest was going to be a cinch. You were right. It _was_ easy once you got past the first sentence.'

Karl wanted to kiss him then. It was very hard not to, with Todd so close, smiling that smile and feeling confident. It just wasn't that simple. He'd promised to himself to not to rush into things, not to become Todd's doormat – useful when needed, but easily forgotten and walked over. And now that Todd had found the guts to get over with what he had been dreading to do, he might not want Karl any more. Hadn't he just said that it was a cinch? He would probably find it just as easy to pick up an endless stream of blokes on Canal Street, blokes that would fade away all memories of Karl and the few stolen moments they had shared.

'Karl? Are you all right?' Todd asked.

Karl blinked. He hadn't realised how deep in his thoughts he had gone. 'It's nothing. I think we could head back now.'

Todd checked his watch. 'Yeah, we'd better or mam will send a search party.'

Back at the Grimshaws' Eileen was sitting on the sofa, looking rather tired.

'There you are now,' she said.

'How was it with Gail?' Todd asked.

'She was disappointed that she didn't have chance to shout at you so she vented her spleen at me. With a bit of luck, the _whole_ street didn't quite catch _all_ the gory details.'

'What gory details?'

'Well, whatever you told Sarah exactly, or what she assumed, twisted and turned around in proper Gail Platt fashion.' She paused, looking uncomfortable.

'She told Jason.'

'What?'

'He came home just when I was finally ushering her out and thought she had lost it because she had rushed across the street in her bathrobe. So she told him. I'm sorry Todd, he didn't take it very well. But I'm sure he'll come around soon, when he's had some time to think about it.'

Karl's heart broke at Todd's expression. It told clearly that if there had been something Todd had counted on, it was the support of his brother and his mother. Now it was dawning on him that it might not be that simple and the relief of coming clean he had felt earlier must be wearing thin. Todd took an unsteady step towards his mother and then sat down on the sofa too.

'Are you sure?' he asked. 'I mean, about Jason.'

'It was a shock, that's all. And he'd rather have it from you than from Gail Platt.' She paused and sighed. 'To be honest, Todd, I'd have appreciated that you'd told me everything you told Sarah. Like the fact that you had been having an affair with Karl.'

'I'm sorry,' Todd muttered, uncomfortable. 'I was going to, but you're my mum, I just couldn't.'

'It's not that I didn't wonder when you asked him to stop by, but I wasn't sure. And trying to defend you to Gail then… Bloody hell Todd, you're not exactly making your life any easier.' She stopped, as if to try to stop herself from yelling.

'Did anyone see you two when you were out?'

'No, I don't think so. Why?'

'Vera was fishing for gossip and I think she got more than she bargained for. If she had seen you two, you'd be sure she'd be in the Rovers as fast as her legs can take her, telling everybody how you're flaunting your darling little boyfriend in Sarah's face.'

'She didn't see us, mam.'

'And I'm here as Todd's friend, not as the lover he's been sneaking around with,' Karl said quietly. He was beginning to feel he shouldn't be here now, he should go and leave Todd and his mother alone. 'Would the neighbours immediately jump into conclusions?'

'Vera Duckworth would. She always does,' Todd said bitterly but Eileen didn't seem to hear. She looked at Karl searchingly.

'Now you've lost me. Are you or are you not together?' she asked.

'No,' Karl said. 'Not since he dumped me a week ago.' Todd looked alarmed at this.

Eileen groaned. 'It's like watching a soap on the telly, you can't keep up because there are so many twists. So why are you here?'

'Because I know what it's like to come out. Because I'm a mate. It's that simple.'

Eileen looked at him closely. Karl had no difficulty in detecting that she didn't really believe him.

'Look, Karl,' she said, 'I'm pleased that you're here now, for Todd's sake, but I'd like to talk to him alone, if you don't mind.'

'It's all right, I'd better get back anyway, I've got an early shift.'

'I'll see you out,' Todd said and followed him in the hall.

Looking at Todd who looked simultaneously very young and vulnerable and old and weary, Karl wasn't sure that he could hold on to his resolve of being just a mate until Todd would get his head sorted.

'Karl… are we… over, I mean, finished… for good?'

'Not unless that's what you want. But I don't want you to decide that now…'

'But…'

'Let me finish… I will be there for you in any case, I just want to make sure that you want me for me, that you're not just clinging to me because Sarah won't have you any more.'

'But I know…'

'It's too soon Todd, give it a few days at least. I'm not going anywhere.'

Todd still looked unhappy and Karl only hesitated for a moment before pulling him closer for a hug. Todd clung to him.

'It's going to be all right,' Karl whispered in his ear. 'It might not feel that way tonight, or tomorrow or next week, but it's going to be all right.'

He broke away from the hug.

'I'll ring you tomorrow, OK?' he said and opened the door. 'You're not going to work, are you?'

'No, I think I'll ring off sick. I know I can't stay away forever but I'm not ready to face them yet…'

'It's OK. Take care.'

'Bye Karl,' Todd said. 'And thanks.'

'For what?'

'For everything.'

'Don't mention it,' Karl said and stepped outside.

He felt self-conscious again once Todd had closed the door; it was difficult to shake off the feeling of being observed behind the net curtains. He told himself he was being stupid and started to walk down the street, trying to think of something else. When he passed the Rovers, a man and a woman burst out, the woman apparently narked at the man. Karl smiled to himself, recognising the signs of a couple who has been together for longer than either of them cared to remember, who ended up together for all sorts of reasons, none of which was truly wanting the other. The woman stopped in mid-sentence and fixed her eyes at Karl. He stared back as cheekily as he could and got the result he had confidently expected – she started whispering disapprovingly to the man. Karl only wished she wouldn't give Todd hard time.

* * *

He had trouble sleeping that night. His dreams always seemed to circle back to Todd telling him whatever it was that Todd felt for him, it wasn't enough, or to the sight of Sarah in a hospital smock, holding her stomach with a stream of blood running down her bare legs. As a result, he found it very hard to get up in the morning.

At work he was grateful that they seemed to be having a slow day with only routine jobs that he managed to take care of automatically. But it wasn't good enough for Julie, the Sister, who held him a stern little talk on coming to work in an unfit state. He knew it was pointless trying to argue, he nodded meekly and tried to sharpen up. It was just that he was anxious to have his break in order to check if Todd had tried to call.

There was one text from Todd waiting – _Hiya, I know youre working. I'm feeling OK, mum's staying in with me._ Karl smiled at it, if the text was anything to go by, Todd appeared more cheerful. But it could change. Probably would.

At dinnertime, he sent a quick text to Todd and then made his way to the canteen. It was nearly full and when he had got his food, one of the rare free seats was in the table where Martin was sat. Karl decided to risk it, as he was sat with Sandra with whom he got on well and who appeared to be in the middle of a very long and convoluted story. She nodded impatiently when Karl asked if he could sit down and continued the story without faltering.

Ten minutes later she had finished. She drained her tea and checked her watch, grimacing in mock shock at it. She excused herself, leaving Karl alone with Martin. He wished Martin would follow her, but he didn't seem to want to budge.

'How's Sarah?' Karl asked at length, trying to very hard to sound normal.

'What is it to you?' Martin barked.

'Just asking…'

'Well, what do you expect after what he did to her? What _you_ did to her.'

'Would you rather he'd waited a few more years and told her then? Or would you have preferred him to get depressed and kill himself because he couldn't see any other way out?'

'You know what I'd rather, Foster? I wish I had never clapped eyes on you.' Martin got up, almost knocking his chair over in the process. 'I don't want anything to do with you. You disgust me… you dirty piece of scum.'

Karl sighed, looking at Martin weaving between people in the canteen. He should have expected this; this was _exactly_ how it was going to be like in future.

* * *

After work, he headed for Coronation Street. Todd answered the door, sporting a black eye.

'What has happened to you?' Karl asked, shocked.

'It's OK.'

'Todd, in case you missed the mirrors, you've got a black eye. It's not OK. What happened? Who was it?'

'Nick and David, you know, Sarah's brothers.'

'But what happened?'

Todd ushered him in the living room. When they were sat down on the sofa, he told the story – how he had just popped out to get some milk from the corner shop. He had bumped into Sarah and asked how she was. Which had been spotted by Nick and David who had rushed over to keep him well away from her. He had fought back but it wasn't until Jason had appeared that Nick and David had gone.

'Afterwards, he said he hit Nick only because otherwise he'd have to punch me. What if he never comes round?'

'Give him time.'

'Yeah, that's what mam said too – to give him time. That I have to remember that although I've had weeks and months to get my head round it – they haven't. It came completely out of the blue for him.'

'Not the easiest way. It was very difficult to my father in the beginning, it's a lot easier now… and he came round, I'm sure your brother will.'

'I hope so. It just never occurred to me he'd be mad at me. He's always been there for me.'

'I'm sure he will, eventually.'

They sat in silence for a while.

'Did you do anything else today?'

'Talked to mam. A lot. She trying to understand, she's been great. And we cleared the flat.'

'So you're back living here then?'

'Yeah, I can have the front room again. It used to be my study, it's not too hard to turn it into a bedroom. It's just for now, I can get another flat later on.'

There was another silence.

'Do you want to go out for a drink or something?' Karl asked finally.

'I might… I haven't really been outdoors all day, so do you mind if we go for a walk first?'

'No, it's OK. Shall we?'

They purposely avoided the subject of Todd's coming out the rest of the evening and tried their best to become engrossed in hospital gossip. It was almost like being just mates again, effortless.

But when they hugged goodnight, Karl wondered how long he could keep up the pretense – had they ever really been "just mates"?

* * *

The next day Todd was back, working his normal shift. Phil the head porter had lifted his eyebrows most expressively when he had seen Todd's black eye, but had let him stay and do his shift even with the risk of scaring off patients (or their friends and relatives) – after all, that was what Todd wanted and they were short-staffed as it was.

Karl got these details when they bumped into one another in the canteen. They chatted about nothing in particular, about their respective mornings. Todd's black eye didn't escape notice. After a few minutes Karl happened to look up and sensed that it wasn't just the black eye that generated gossip – it was the two of them, sat together that was the main source of speculation. He wasn't sure if Todd had noticed. He hoped not, it might make him nervous, might make him regret everything.

They had been talking about getting a video and going back to Karl's to watch it, but as his ward were once again short-staffed, he was asked to stay for a couple of hours until they'd find someone else. Reluctantly, he agreed, and managed a hurried text message to Todd that he couldn't make it, not tonight.

* * *

Two and half hours later things had slowed down in the ward and Julie let him go home. Outside the hospital, he weighed his options. He could just go back to the nurses block. He could give Todd a call. Or he could drop by in No 11 for a chat. He dismissed his first option as soon as he had thought of it. He then tried the second – Todd didn't answer. He thought it was slightly odd, but it left with him with his last option, to drop by. He wasn't going to stay long, he thought, just to make sure Todd was all right. If Todd had gone out, he would just text him. Although he thought that would be unlikely – Todd had been all right at work, but he had clearly wanted to keep to himself for a bit.

Unless, Karl thought ruefully, he was just projecting on Todd the feelings he thought were there, but weren't. Maybe Todd wasn't really as vulnerable as he might want him to be. If he wasn't, he might not need or want Karl around any more. And if Karl were to keep up the distance, he might lose Todd for good.

He dismissed his confused thoughts with a shrug. He wanted Todd, he wanted to have a chance to see if it could work but he wasn't going to watch his life drift by while he was having a think. Things would work out eventually, they always did for him. And if they didn't, well, life was too short for pining after something that didn't work, didn't exist.

By the time he was knocking on No 11's door, he had forgotten all about his thoughts. It was Todd who answered.

'Hiya,' Karl said.

'Hiya,' Todd said, looking slightly surprised but clearly pleased to see Karl. 'I thought Julie the Dragon wouldn't let you go until late. I've been talking to Jason. Come on in.'

'Julie's not a dragon.'

'No, she just likes to eat young pretty male nurses for breakfast.'

'Stop it, you're giving me nightmares,' Karl said, only half joking. 'I take it your brother is coming round.'

'Yeah, he's been better. How did you guess?'

'You, joking about Julie.'

Todd's brother was sat on the sofa, looking uncomfortable.

'Karl, this is my brother Jason. Jason, Karl.'

'Pleased to meet you Jason,' Karl said.

If possible, Jason looked even more uncomfortable and muttered something incomprehensible. Todd gestured Karl to sit down.

They were all silent.

'So,' Jason said at length, 'you're the bloke who turned my brother gay.'

'No one _turned_ me gay,' Todd said at once.

'Made you _decide_ you were gay, whatever.'

'_No_, Jase, it wasn't a _decision_, it was more like… a realisation. A gradual realisation. We've been through this already.'

'So? He's still the bloke who's been having it off with you.'

'Yeah, I was,' Karl said.

'Was? You mean you got what you wanted and moved on, dumped my brother. Isn't that what your kind always do?'

'I didn't dump him, he dumped me.'

'Oh,' Jason said, clearly disappointed. 'What you are doing here then? Can't get enough of him then?'

'Will you two stop talking about me as if I weren't here?' Todd asked, exasperated.

'I'm sorry,' Karl said. Jason just scowled.

There was another silence, which was interrupted by a knock on the door. Todd got up to answer it.

'Sarah…' Karl heard him say. 'Come in.' The tone was slightly puzzled but Todd was clearly pleased too. It surprised him to feel a stab of jealousy, then it passed and he told himself he was being stupid. The kind of person Todd was, it meant a lot to him to remain on speaking terms with Sarah. That was one of things Karl liked in him, after all.

Sarah burst in the living room with Bethany in tow. The little girl was looking around both curious and confused. Todd followed them in, looking rather confused himself.

Sarah barely glanced at Karl or Jason, she didn't seem to notice anyone else in the room – she just turned to face Todd.

'I want you to tell her why you left me, left her, left her brother. And when you're finished with it, I want you to say your goodbyes, 'cos I'm not letting her anywhere near you again.'

Todd didn't reply, he just stared at her, helpless.

'Well?' she demanded in a hard voice. 'You don't know what to say, do you? But I should be able to explain it to her, to deal with the questions and the tears and all. Well?'

'I… I,' Todd begun. 'I'm sorry…'

Before Sarah had time to launch into another go at Todd, Karl decided to intervene.

'Why don't you give Todd a few minutes,' he suggested calmly.

'You…' Sarah said with venom. 'I should have known you would be here, to hold his hand and tell him how he's the injured party in all this.'

'If that's what you want to think, fine. A few minutes won't hurt.'

'I'm not leaving her alone with him.'

'I'll stay with them if you like,' Jason volunteered unhappily. It took Karl, and by the look of him, Todd, by surprise.

Sarah, too, looked surprised.

'Fine,' she snapped. 'Five minutes. And remember, this is the last time you will ever talk to her, so make the most of it.'

Karl guided her out of the living room, closing the door behind them. He caught a glimpse of Todd's face as he did it, he was biting his lip, looking like he was on the brink of tears.

As soon as they were in the hall, Sarah shook off his arm. She rubbed her back absentmindedly.

'Why don't you sit down on the stairs?'

She did as she was told.

'How are you?'

'What is it to you?'

'He didn't do it to spite you, you know. Or to purposefully hurt and humiliate you.'

'Didn't he?'

'No. I'm not saying he's been making the right decisions all the time. By struggling against his emergent feelings in the beginning he ended up with having so much at stake now.'

'It's so hard… I feel so silly. And my mum keeps going on and on about it, how hard done we always are, David keeps going on and on about how he wants to thump Todd. Bethany doesn't really understand and keeps asking after him. I can't take it any more. Nick's been surprisingly good actually, at least when he forgets to be smug. Why didn't I listen to him when he was trying to tell me?'

She paused and swallowed hard. 'And I worry so much I can't sleep, then I start thinking about Billy and I definitely can't sleep… They kept saying to me I shouldn't get stressed, it's bad for him. I hate this, I thought our worries would be gone for good.'

'I'm really sorry,' Karl said. He was. 'You've just got to believe everything will be all right eventually. And if you worried about the baby you could always go and see the midwife.'

'If I say to my mum that I'm having an appointment with the midwife she'll go on about things even more.'

'You could always take Katy with you if you don't want to go alone.'

Sarah sighed but didn't reply. She rested her head in her hands.

'Why are you being nice to me?' she asked suddenly. 'Why don't you just laugh at stupid little Sarah who had no clue?'

'I never laughed at you, I never had anything against you…' Well, apart from the fact that he had fancied her boyfriend, but that was hardly a crime, was it?

'OK, I'll admit it, I do have an ulterior motive.'

'What is it then?'

'I'm asking you to not cut Todd completely out of the girl's life. Be as mad at him as you like, just don't cut him off from the kids.'

'That's a lot to ask. He deserves to feel dreadful after what he did to me, to us.'

'Does he? Does anyone really deserve something like this? I'm not trying defend all his actions or anything… but do you want Beth finding out one day that he didn't walk out, it was you who purposely kept him cut off and resent you for it?'

She looked at him, weary. 'All right then. I'm sick of all this. He can see Beth, as long as he keeps away from me. I don't want to see him, talk to him, anything. He makes me sick.'

'What about the baby?'

'Oh well, he can see Billy after he's born. But I don't want anything to do with him. I definitely don't want him anywhere near me when I'm giving birth.'

'Will you tell him that now?'

'All right, if you insist. He's not worth it.'

'Worth what?'

'All this trouble. He only cares about himself.'

'That's not true. He wouldn't be sorting out this mess if he thought only about himself. But if it makes you feel better…'

'Whatever. I want to go home now.'

She got up to her feet clumsily.

'Todd, Sarah wants to say something,' Karl prompted when they were back in the living room where Bethany was happily recounting the adventures of her day to Todd. Todd looked up, not sure what to expect. Karl, standing behind Sarah, tried to smile reassuringly to signal it was OK, but Todd's eyes where fixed on her.

'You can see Beth, and Billy after his birth, but you keep away from me,' she said. 'Now Beth and I are going home. If you want to take Beth to the park tomorrow, come to pick her up at half five. OK?'

Todd looked lost for words.

'Come Bethany, we'll go home now.'

'I don't want to go, I want to stay with Todd.'

'Not tonight darling, you will see him tomorrow. Come on.'

The little girl obeyed and took Sarah's hand. Karl glanced at Todd quickly, he was blinking hard.

'I'll see you two out,' Karl said.

'Thanks,' he said to Sarah in the hall.

'It's all right. Mum and Martin are not going to like it, I think, but I just can't take this hating any more. I don't want to be near him but… I think I can just about live with it if the kids want to see him every now and then.'

'It means a lot to him.'

'I don't care. I just want things to normal… but it's not going to happen, is it?'

'It will, eventually… Just give it time.'

'No, it won't. I will still be the teenage mum of two whose boyfriend ran off with the first bloke who fancied him. People will still laugh at my stupidity.'

'Don't be silly.' He grimaced. 'I'm sorry.'

'It's all right.'

She opened the door and stepped outside.

'Why did you have to start working with Martin? Everything was all right before you came along.'

'Was it?'

She didn't reply, just turned and walked slowly across the road. For a moment he saw her as she had appeared in his nightmare but shook of the vision. It had been uncomfortable in the middle of the night but now everything was finally getting sorted. With Sarah coming round in letting Todd see Bethany, maybe it would be easier to judge whether Todd had really moved on, whether he was giving up on any remaining hopes he might have entertained to be a family with Sarah still, despite everything. Todd hadn't really said anything to him but he knew it had been on his mind, he knew Todd wouldn't be able to switch off his feeling. He might never have been in love with Sarah, he might have stopped fancying her, but a small part of him would always want her.

He went back to the living room to find an ecstatic Todd, standing by the sofa, unable to sit still and gesturing wildly while explaining to Jason how happy he was. When he heard Karl stopping by the door he turned and pulled Karl into a bear hug. He held Karl so tightly that Karl began to fear for his ribs; muttering thanks. At first Todd's happiness stung a bit – it wasn't really his help that made Todd so happy, it was Sarah, but feeling Todd's hot breath on his neck when he whispered his thanks and feeling his warm, slender body against his he didn't care. He stopped thinking, enjoying the way Todd clung to him… until Jason faked a theatrical cough and muttered something about going to the Rovers. Todd jumped at the sound of his voice, he must have totally forgotten. Flushed, he muttered something incomprehensible before collapsing on the sofa. Karl sat down next to him.

'Looks like you've got plans for tomorrow. Shall we post-pone the film by a day then?'

'All right. I still can't believe she's gonna let me see Beth.'

'It's not easy for her, don't push it.'

'I won't. I'm just relieved.'

'Good.'

'Maybe everything will be fine now.'

'I'm sure it will.'

Deep down, he wasn't so sure. He was beginning to sound like a broken record.

'I really really appreciate what you did.'

'I just talked to her. It was nothing.'

'So you would have done it to anyone.'

'I didn't say that. It was killing me how unhappy you were.'

'Was it?'

'You know I lo… care for you.' Karl could have banged his head to the wall for almost letting it slip.

Todd looked at him closely.

'No, I didn't know,' he said slowly. 'Why do you insist on us being "just mates" then if you… I wouldn't be unhappy if…'

'Todd, you can't go through life with your happiness depending on who you are with, it's not…'

He didn't have the time to finish the sentence when Todd silenced him with a kiss. A slow sensuous kiss, the kind that took his breath away and made him marvel, for the umpteenth time, at the difference between the shy, messed-up kid on the surface and the intense passionate man beneath it. He didn't want to hold back any longer but he was nonetheless relieved when they heard the front door and Eileen's tentative hello and jumped apart.

* * *

The next few days passed in a haze. Todd didn't give up; Karl felt he was quickly running out of excuses to keep his distance. After taking Bethany to the park the word family had been echoed in every second word Todd had said. Karl was beginning to hate it. Realising it, he felt annoyed with himself. What was the point of getting jealous to Todd's dreams of a family that wouldn't happen, not like Todd had imagined. Hadn't he found it endearing at first, the way Todd cared for a kid that wasn't his? It was just the shadow of the perfect little family with Sarah that made him hold back.

* * *

Then came the day when he spotted Todd's mother in hospital and heard that Sarah had been brought in. Eileen had given Todd, who was on the late shift, a ring and he was on his way. Karl waited with her, hearing echoes of his reassuring "it's going to be all rights" to both Todd and Sarah. He knew now he had been wrong but he didn't want to show it. When Todd arrived, distraught, he took her and Eileen to the ward and had a word with the midwife to make sure Todd would know what was going on, regardless of what Sarah and/or her family would say. She was a mate, and she swore she would do her best.

It was a long day. He finished off his shift and sat down with Todd and Eileen and waited. And waited. At some point Eileen wanted all of them to go home but Todd refused. He wouldn't budge until he had seen his son. They knew Sarah had given birth, they knew why, the midwife had filled them in. But Sarah was weak and had told them not to let Todd anywhere near her, so they couldn't. And they needed her permission for Todd to see the baby.

At last, Karl tried talking to Martin. He knew it probably wasn't a good idea – Martin had been sneering at him ever since Todd came out, but he had to try. But it only ended up in Martin punching him and being dragged away by security.

After a few more hours – they had long since lost the sense of time – the nurse told them Sarah was awake. Todd wanted to see her but Karl managed to convince him it wasn't a good idea, it would be better if Karl did it.

She wasn't happy about it but she agreed – five minutes, if the nurses said it was OK. She looked so frail; small and tired and he knew she was scared. She knew what he knew – that the baby might not make it. Although aware of the risks, he didn't think Todd had fully believed it for a second.

He knew he couldn't walk away from Todd when he saw how happy he looked by the cot, looking at his son. They were just about to leave the room when the monitors started bleeping and the room was filled with doctors and nurses and they were ushered outside. Todd's happiness was wiped away and replaced by worry. But it didn't appear he was admitting it to himself yet… but the moment wasn't too far away.

Some time later – Karl couldn't have said how long it took – there was silence and the doctors and nurses were trickling out of the bay. To break the sad news to Sarah, obviously. He glanced at Eileen and they walked Todd away, away from Sarah and her family and the accusations that would be hurled at Todd.

* * *

He wasn't sure how they got through the next week. Todd blamed himself and no amount of medical explanations, rational arguments or Eileen's shouting got him to change his mind. Sarah's family was hostile, half the Street were hostile. Karl, Eileen and Jason shielded Todd as much as they could but they knew no one blamed Todd more than Todd himself, although it wasn't his fault. Even Martin's mates at Weatherfield General were hostile to Karl – but it might have something to do with the punch-up that had left Martin suspended.

They were not invited to the funeral but they went anyway. Those must have been the hardest few hours of his life, Karl reflected afterwards. How could he even begin to imagine what Todd was feeling? He certainly felt inadequate, he was used to the nurse's detachment when faced with other peoples' losses and crises, he knew he would have run a mile if he'd had to deal with something like this earlier, when he was younger. But he stayed, he listened, he comforted and he stayed strong. For Todd's sake. He would be there as long as Todd wanted or needed him.

He was surprised to find Todd so calm after the funeral. He was pale and his eyes were rather red but he just looked quiet and determined. Karl thought the silence in No 11 was getting oppressive, but Todd just inched closer to him on the sofa until their sides were touching.

'I don't want to be alone tonight,' he whispered.  
'You don't have to,' Karl replied, knowing the struggle was over.

_and after all these cloudy days  
it gets brighter in every day  
just come in to my arms  
and i tell you  
that the sun will shine on you_

_The end._


End file.
